..................*Sigh*

Well, I am officially depressed. It seems like nothing I ever do is good enough for my mom and step-dad. I will work my butt off at school, do my chores and try really hard, but all they seem to do is look at whatever little slip up I might have had, like getting a 7/10 on an assignment in summer school. It is really depressing me. They have had me grounded for some time for coming home a little late, which I understand. They said I couldn't see my friends or girlfriend. While this deeply pissed me off, I went with it for a bit. What my parents seem to not be getting is, I view my day like this: I go to summer school, come home and do my chore and maybe, if I am lucky spend some time with Andrea because it is the only time I am truly happy out here. I really enjoy spending time with her even if it just sitting around enjoying each others company just layin out on the tramp or porch. They seem to overlook that as being my happy little haven and seem to just enjoy taking it from me. They don't understand that when I am not with her, my existence in this place seems to be pointless. I may seem to be entertained out here with all my talk about cars and things, but it is only a happiness that exists on the surface, that soon fades away, leaving nothing but a hole. The type of hole that is filled when you are around someone that you could just be with forever as time passes you by, as the world goes on without you. That has been happening very little lately. It has just taken the happiness out of me. I feel like I am empty, wandering this earth with no point or purpose. I was just recently and temporarily released from this emptiness today, when I rode my bike to the Country Days carnival. I was going to take Andrea to this by using one of the vehicles that ran, but I couldn't because I have been grounded for a bit. So, I decided to "take a bike ride" to the carnival and failed to mention I was going with her. I was finally able to be truly happy and enjoy some time with her. I felt so much better. I left at about five and got home at about eleven, but that time seemed to go right by as if I had blinked and it had gone by in that instance. I was able to get a ride home from her dad, because my brother has beat the crap out of my bike and my front tire only holds air for so long now along with a lot of other things. I was also lucky enough to get to have Andrea come along and we rode in the back seat just enjoying the moment. It made me very sad to leave her almost like leaving a part of myself in that car. I watched as she rode off, and wished that I could visit tomorrow. I dreaded coming home, to the noises of fighting siblings, mother yelling, and overall chaos. I knew that I would be in trouble for something and I was right. It turns out that Ryan "forgot" I had said anything to him, and as a result I was instantly taken from my haven of happiness and plunged deep into the depths of a bottomless pit of depression and sadness. I felt completely miserable yet again, and knew that I had no hope of seeing her for a while. So here I am, sitting in the basement at two in the morning just wishing, hoping..... falsely hoping that I might be able to see her once again soon. To be lifted once again into my haven. But as long as my parents only find my faults, I feel that I shall never get there again. All I can do is falsely hope that one day.... one day I will be enjoying a warm evening just laying and talking about life, feeling whole again, feeling like I belong somewhere out here, feeling loved. ~Cary